The better part of my life

I'm always in a reflective state, but particularly so as 2012 comes to an end. Losing 170 pounds isn't easy and it didn't come without reflection. I blog about it all the time -- taking onus, accepting responsibility for oneself, and making a commitment to yourself.

By now, you have heard some version or another of my story. If not, here’s a synopsis: I’m a product of childhood obesity. At my heaviest, I weighed in at a whopping 388 pounds. To date, with a conscious change to my diet and regular exercise, I’ve lost 170 pounds. Yes, 1-7-0! Ideally, I still would like to lose another 60 pounds to meet my goal weight. That’s a total of 230 pounds. Yeah, I know, those numbers are inconceivable to most. Those numbers are not for the faint-hearted.

By far, battling obesity is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Today, 170 pounds lighter and I'm still considered obese. I started my bid to a healthier lifestyle in the late fall of 2009. Since then I've had many trials, triumphs, victories, and losses. But, battling obesity isn’t just about losing the weight. This is so much more than a physical transformation. It’s about finding myself and learning to love myself. It's about talking down the demons on a regular, "You're fat and always will be. "You can't." Every single day, I’m at war with myself emotionally and mentally, and boy do I the have scars to prove it.

I realize though that for the better part of my life I've been obese. So, I can't magically become healthy and fit with a wave of a wand. It takes work. Hard work. Dedication. Commitment. This is my life. My new life --  I'm creating it everyday. Sure, I'm not exactly where I would like to be, but I'm not where I use to be either. I will never, ever return to that dark miserable place. I find resolve in knowing that. I find victory in the fact that I found the courage to change, to battle obesity. I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self pity. I refuse to remain the same.

Sometimes I encounter road blocks. In fact, I haven't recorded a lose on the scale in months. Some would call this a plateau. I say, it's "Where I am now." I'll keep plugging away one day at a time. Tweaking my diet. Finding new forms of exercise. Silencing those demons. Loving myself. Truly loving myself. Beyond the scale, the mirror. In due time, I'll get there. I'll be there. One thing is for sure, I have never ever given up. Nor will I. There's no race to the finish line because there is no finish line.

I refuse to let the past forty years of my life determine my entire life. I have plenty more living to do. I plan to be a healthy, active beacon of light for others who are looking to make the necessary changes and to live a similar lifestyle. The best is yet to come. The better part of my life awaits me. I'm not into making new year's resolutions, instead lifelong resolutions. I'm claiming 2013 as one of my better years.

My word

I've said this before, my journey is more than a physical transformation.  This is a transformation from the inside out. I want to be a person that radiates happiness, peace, love. I want to be a person who does what I say I will do. I want to be a person of character. So this morning, I set off to do something simply because I looked someone in the eye and told her I would. It's cold, dark, and foggy outside and I would prefer to stay snug in my bed, but that's not a valid reason. That's selfish. Pulling out of commitments was pretty typically of the old me, but no longer. My word is bond.

Repeat

This just seems fitting for today. Here's a repost of a previous blog. Enjoy!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Kicking and Screaming

By now, you have heard some version or another of my story. If not, here’s a synopsis, I’m a product of childhood obesity and to date I’ve lost 155 lbs. Yes, 1-5-5! Ideally, I still have to lose another 80 pounds to meet my goal weight. That’s a total of 235 pounds. Yeah, I know, those numbers are inconceivable to most. Those numbers are not for the weak-hearted.

By far, battling obesity is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Battling obesity isn’t just about losing the weight. This is so much more than a physical transformation. It’s about finding myself and learning to love myself. It's about talking down the demons on a regular, "You're fat and always will be. "You're ugly." "You can't."  Every single day, I’m at war with myself emotionally and mentally, and boy do I the have the scars to prove it. So, I apologize if I’m always talking about my battle with obesity. I apologize for always complaining about how hard this is. But, if I’m going to fight this battle I will not do it quietly. This is not something you go through in silence. I am kicking and screaming the whole way.

Yesterday, while at the gym I was complaining to my trainer friend about how fat I still am. He listened as he always does, and he also reminded me of how far I’ve come. He’s right. I’ve come along way. Ironically, that’s exactly why I am frustrated, I've come so far, but yet have so far to go. It’s overwhelming. Sure, I’m proud, but this is ONLY round seven of a heavyweight bout. I still have five more rounds to go. I’m tired, wiped out, and downright exhausted. But, I’m way too stubborn and prideful to quit. Instead, I keep tighten up my gloves and getting back in the ring. Yeah, I fuss, I complain, and some days I cry. I think I have every right to do so. So, if you would, please just bear with me when I go off on my tirades. After all, I’m in the midst of kicking obesity to the curb. This is no small feat.


                                     
                  Reminder to self: You’ve come a long, long way, baby!

Loving myself

I’m hard on myself, really, really hard on myself. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the negative things I say to myself and I’ve decided it’s time I knock it off. I would never allow anyone else to say such terrible things about me or criticize me the way I do. I need to be kinder, gentler, and more loving to myself. This journey is not just about physical transformation. I want to radiate beauty from the inside out. I want to be a peaceful, positive, vibrant, confident, healthy, and fit woman. So…It’s time I rid myself of the demons. It’s time I quit victimizing myself. It’s time I really, really start loving myself. No more negative self talk. I’m not fat. Fat is a state of mind.  It’s time I get out of my own way. I can do anything I set my mind to. It’s time for me to shine like the diamond that I am. Starting here and now.