Confident Chick

The fat girl has to try harder. So I did. I was funny, charming, and exuded confidence – nothing more than false bravado. I was always dressed to the nines and dolled up. I managed to hide my insecurities very well under my stylish clothes and make-up. Not even my family or closest friends could see through me.

Being the fat girl meant having fewer options in the guy department. So when a fella paid me any attention I made a big deal out of it. As a fat, insecure girl any compliment from a guy was a sure sign that he was interested in me. Despite how I dressed and kept myself up. I didn’t think much of myself. I was very insecure and I longed for a man to validate me. There were some exceptions, but mostly any joker who pursued me, could. I basically let the guy chose me.

Fast forward: This weekend I was at a gathering and a fella made his move on me. A little surprising because I was not dolled up and plainly dressed. Maybe it was my smile and quick wit that got his attention. Anyhow, over the course of several hours I learned a few surface things about him.  He seemed like a nice enough fella, but when he asked for my number I gave it to him with reluctance. I gave it to him only because I didn’t want to be rude. But, from our brief encounter I knew good and well we had nothing in common and I was not interested.

The fat, insecure girl would have gladly given him her number. No matter if we didn’t have much in common. I would have made myself interested. Sadly, I longed for male attention -- someone to make me feel pretty. I wasted a lot of time, and hung around some serious losers seeking validation.

It’s been a long time coming, but I now realize validation comes from within. My self-transformation and weight loss journey is not about what I’ve lost, but more about what I’ve gained. I’ve gained self-confidence and I understand my worth. I don’t fall over any and every guy who tries to pursue me. I’m the confident chick who shops strictly at Neiman-Marcus.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

My first week of classes in the fitness trainer program are off to a good start. I'm looking forward to learning lots and making tons of new connections. Speaking of... Monday in class, I met a tall, dark, New Yorker. We chatted a little. He was friendly, and from our brief encounter it seemed we had at least a few things in common. He asked for my phone number. We exchanged a few text messages that day, no biggie. Then, yesterday, after class he asked if we could meet and chat. We agreed on a time and place. Well, today, I was at the place, at the time, but he wasn't. I gave him the benefit of doubt and waited for ten minutes. Once the clock struck 25 after I was gone.

The old me would have waited at least a half hour and I probably would have texted or called him to find out his whereabouts. I also would have questioned myself. Why did he stand me up? What's wrong with me? Oh, the thoughts that would have filled my insecure, unsure mind. But, I'm so happy and proud to say those types of behaviors are long behind me. There is nothing wrong with me. The issue here is that he didn't have the decency to text me to say he was unable to make it. I should mention I have no idea if he was trying to hit on me. Perhaps he was just wanting to meet as classmates, however the old me would've automatically assumed he wanted more. And whether he was hopeful to date me or not, the fact still remains he did not show up and that's plain rude.

Is it that big of a deal? Should I really take the time to blog about it? Yes, because this ladies and gentleman is about me and my behavior. Not his. It's about the way that I reacted to the situation and how I've grown as a person. The old me would have placed all the value in some guy I barely knew. Seeking, searching, approval and attention from any outside source to validate me. No longer. I value my time. I value myself. It's been a long time coming -- the process of self-love and worth. It's not just tied to any one incident, certainly not this incident, but instead a multitude of instances, situations, and lots of lots self-reflection. I truly, madly, deeply love myself. I'm the girl who shops at Neiman Marcus.

I shop at Neiman Marcus

I can finally say that I love myself enough to not settle for anything less than I deserve. I'm no longer willing to work in a dead end job that zaps my spirit, no longer willing to hang around folks who are not positive, and I no longer desire to be in the company of a man who is, well, Kmart standards. My self transformation journey has brought me to a place where I recognize my self-worth. 

It's been a long time coming, but I finally believe what my girlfriend told me about myself, men, and dating, "You are a prize to be won." She's right. If a man steps to me. He needs to win me. After all, a man seeks a wife. You see, I've been single for quite sometime now. I've been in a few brief relationships on and off that tapped out really fast. In retrospect, I realize some of the reasons the so-call relationships didn't work were because of some of my ways. I was too lonely, needy, vulnerable, and way to eager to just be in someone's company. Ha ha. No more. I also realize that most of the men I was allowing in to my life were not on my level. I don't shop for my clothes at Kmart so why am I shopping for my men there. You with me?

Last weekend, I went to a Reggae club to celebrate my birthday. No sooner than I walked in the door a 6'4, 225 lbs. handsome gentleman, Mr. Barbados, struck up a conversation with me and bought me a drink. He left his Visa card open at the bar and insisted my Lemon Drops were made with only Grey Goose Vodka. We spent the night talking, laughing, and dancing. Oh, how we danced. He treated me like a prize to be won. He was truly interested in just being in my company. When the evening was over he shook my hand and told me he had a fantastic time sharing my birthday with me. It was so refreshing to share an evening with a true gentleman - he was a class act.

As I reflect on our encounter, I'm sure that my new found confidence and love for myself was apparent. When Mr.Barbados saw me he recognized he was in the presence of a lady. Not a lonely, vulnerable, willing to do anything to be in his company girl, but instead a lady. Therefore, I was treated like a lady. I've said this before, this journey is not about what I've lost, but EVERYTHING I've gained. I now recognize my self-worth and I shop strictly at Neiman Marcus.