Better

I want to be better. Please don't misinterpret that to mean that I'm NOT proud of myself for what I've accomplished and I'm NOT grateful for all that I have and all that I am.

I realize in order to be better, I have to give more of myself. I can't stay in this safe place. I have to push myself out of my comfort zone. I repeat -- I have to push myself out of my comfort zone. For me, motivation comes from within. And if I'm honest with myself I can give more. I can do better.

Yesterday, I posted some photos (see above) on Facebook that showed me jogging the hills of Mt.Tabor Park. The photos are of me at my best. Physically, I was in a really good place. I was training to run my first half-marathon. One week later, I was KNOCKED off my axis and hit by a car while walking in a parking lot. I suffered a broken tibia, had surgery to repair it and was left  with 14 screws and a metal plate in my leg. I went through months of rehab and physical therapy. It was a very trying time for me. But, I made it through. I successfully rehabbed my fractured leg and did NOT gain one pound. Instead, I LOST 15 pounds the physical therapists and orthopedic doctors said that, that was unheard of. While I was able to successfully rehab my leg and lose weight while doing so. I feel like that accident did thwart my overall progress. It's been nearly two years now. I don't feel like I've been able to make the physical breakthroughs that I had hoped for. Partly some mental stuff going on (another blog post).


Anyhow, after I posted my photos a few of you made comments -- I appreciate you all. My story is an open diary for you all to read. And, I realize sometimes I'm quite contradictory in my comments and my posts. One minute, I'm telling you to ... and the next minute I'm ....  

I want to be better. And, sometimes I get frustrated with myself. Right now, I'm frustrated with myself. I try not to speak negative thoughts because you know my theory on that, but sometimes I slip up. 

I'm proud of and grateful for what I've accomplished it's because of that --  not in spite of that, that I know I can be better. Am I too hard on myself? Perhaps. Too honest? Nope.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

PE Flashbacks

It happened. I thought I was beyond it, but there I was in my Exercise Technique class having flashbacks. Flashbacks of being the slowest, last, and fattest girl in PE class.

Flashback #1  Unable to easily sit on the ground, which as an morbidly obese person I couldn't do either. So I  had to grab a stability ball to sit on while the rest of the class sat comfortably on the ground in criss-cross applesauce position.

Flashback #2 As we are doing dynamic warm-ups across the length of the room I'm always one of the last to finish.

Flashback #3 When in small groups I tend to be the one in the group that others coddle.


My fitness level is the best it's ever been -- remember, I'm the girl who graduated high school at 300 lbs.?  So where I am today is really good from where I came from. But since I'm rehabbing a fractured Tibia it makes for a difficult time with some exercises. As much as my heart and my mind say go, go, go. My body after seven months is just not quite ready. I'm sure it's the reason I'm not able to perform at a higher level because I tell you -- I so badly want to. Walking around campus and doing normal activities I manage to do just fine, but some exercises I'm still not able to give my all. It's frustrating.  I try not to allow demons in my head, but every once and a while they show up. Yesterday, they showed up and got the best of me.  I only write about what I truly feel and yesterday I felt like the slowest, last, and fattest girl in PE class.