Thankful

Today, I'm thankful to God for giving me the strength, courage, and belief in myself to battle obesity. Battling obesity has been one of the hardest things I've done in my life. And, while I've yet to beat obesity entirely I'm so grateful for the progress I've made. Today, I'm healthier and happier. I know that I couldn't do it without God's Grace and Mercy.

For anyone out there struggling with your weight...YOU can do anything you set your mind to. Take it from someone who knows...I used to weigh 388 pounds and have lost 170 pounds with a change in my attitude, diet, and incorporating exercise.

PRAY to God
BELIEVE you can
LOVE yourself every step of the way
FORGIVE yourself when you stumble
SURROUND yourself with healthy, positive people

Mistakes made, lessons learned

As a young girl, out of curiosity I placed my hand on the red burner. Ouch! I quickly learned, a red burner means it's hot. I never done that again.

As an adult, I was driving down the highway in a new area of town I accidentally took the wrong exit. Oops! I never took that exit again.

Trivial mistakes like those are a part of life. So, are not so trivial mistakes, like my latest. As you know, healthy living is a relatively new concept for me. I've been obese the better part of my life (see previous post) so I know all to well how to be inactive and eat unhealthy.

Anyhow, I had been working out and eating healthy for about three years -- the best run of my life -- when all the sudden my professional life became hectic and I started slipping off of my program. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal so when I wasn't able to workout I also began making poor food choices. Before I knew it, it had been six months before I seen the inside of a gym and I had an expanded waist line to prove it.

I beat myself up about it. Hung my head some, but such is life (see previous post). I have to learn from it and move on. What I learned: I can't afford to not workout. I can't allow myself to eat what I want when I want. I have to set a routine and stick to it even when life becomes hectic.  This is no fad. There are no quick fixes. I'm in it for the long haul. This is a lifestyle.

I'll never touch a red burner again, I'll never take that exit of the highway again, and I'll never travel off my path of healthy lifestyle quite the same again. Mistakes made, lessons learned.

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."

Less Is More

I've said this many times before, my weight loss journey is not only about what I've lost, but what I've gained. This is a journey of self-discovery, learning, and striving to be a better person -- inside and out.

I laugh at myself when I look back at the workout path I've traveled. In the very beginning I knew nothing about working out. I just knew I was overweight, out of shape, and needed to burn calories. My plan of action was to try every machine at the gym. Every class at the gym. It was very typically for me to workout five to six days a week. Sometimes even taking back-to-back weight training and cardio classes. Sometimes being in the gym upward of three to four hours. Insane! Anyone who knows me well knows how I am. I go hard. Once I'm into or onto something fugetaboutit!

My workout craze was just that a craze.  Oh my goodness, I recall the first boot camp class I took. I was about 290 pounds and had only been working out for about a month. Can you say, deconditioned? And to boot, I pumped up a couple of friends and my teenaged daughter to join me. Wow. What  a train wreck! We all made it out, alive -- barely.

When I think about it now, I see how ineffective my workouts really were. I was working out for long periods of time with no focus. No road map. During this time, I got sick with cold/flu like symptoms all the time. Wonder why? My diet was questionable, I rarely got enough sleep, and I overworked the same muscle groups. On and on. So, as workouts were concerned, those workouts were ineffective. But, in retrospect, they were effective in other ways: I was meeting people and making friends at the gym, learning about my body, and my fortitude.

While I am a little disappointed at myself for taking the past six months off from the gym. Honestly, the time away was just what I needed. I needed a break. A reboot. Now I'm more focused. My workouts are my purposeful. Thanks to my hiatus, I realize that it's less about how many days or hours I spend in the gym and more about how I spend the time there. It's also about how I take care of myself in between workouts: eating well, proper rest, etc. Quite frankly, it’s a relief knowing that I don’t have to be at the gym everyday for several hours at a time. Gone are those days. Less is more.

Helpful articles:

Overtraining
Less Is More: Is Too Much Exercise Bad for You?
Why Four Workouts a Week May Be Better Than Six

Slowly but surely

A couple years ago, heck, even two months ago, I would have been beating myself up pretty bad about my current state. You see, the past few months I've been very busy in the community: Motivational talks, lectures, cooking classes, on and on. So, busy that truthfully I haven't been as dedicated to my fitness and weight loss goals. I can't recall the last time I worked out at the gym and I haven't recorded a decrease on the scale in umpteen months.

I'm 40 years old and have been overweight my entire life. I've never been what you called a "normal" size. I'm not sure what the statistics on beating childhood obesity are, but I'm sure they're slim (no pun intended). Despite what the statistics may be, to date with a conscious change to my diet, mindful eating, and exercise I've lost 170 pounds. I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished.  But I also can be pretty hard on myself for what I haven't accomplished.

The more mature, intuitive Chrisetta, recognizes that it's pretty unrealistic of me to think that I can make obesity go away overnight or even in a span of a few years. The Chrisetta of the past would have beat herself up for being in this current state of flux. Called herself names. But no longer. I'm a place in my life, a place in this journey where I'm not going to let those negative thoughts consume me. That's a part of the battle -- learning to not think and speak negative thoughts, learning to be kinder, more flexible and forgiving of myself. Does that mean that I am giving up on my goals? Quite the opposite. It just means that instead of pushing myself so hard, focusing so much on the destination.  I'm going to ease up -- live a healthy, fulfilled life, and enjoy the journey.
 
Today, I'm healthier, happier, more peaceful and content. Oh, and 170 pounds lighter. Slowly but surely, I'm saying farewell to my old childhood nemesis, obesity.

Mirror Mirror

I've been obese my entire life so it's a little absurd for me to believe I can erase the years and years of unhealthy behaviors overnight. For goodness' sakes I use to weigh a mortifying 388 pounds.

Today, I'm 170 pounds lighter, healthier, and happier. But, it's been a while since I've recorded a lost in weight or inches. The good news is I haven't gained any weight or increased in inches either. So, it's safe to say I'm able to maintain, and the practices I've adopted in my life are sustainable.

I tell myself, maybe I'm suppose to be here in this space. Maybe this is what's comfortable for my body right now. And yes my thoughts are sort of contradictory, but like I've said before my blog is my diary and you just so happen to be privy to read it. Bear with me.

I have to remind myself, this is no yo-yo, fad diet. I'm not seeking a quick fix. I'm creating a healthy lifestyle for myself by eating a wide variety of fresh, whole food, discovering new things beyond food, exercising, and reaching out to the community along the way. I'm proud of myself. It's taken an awful lot of discipline and deep inward stares at myself to lose and keep the weight off.  I've taken a whole lot of negative and turned it into a whole lot of positive.

Yet and still, the other day when I caught my reflection in the mirror, it caused me to pause and ask myself "Are you  giving it your all?" Sure, I've been busy, busy, writing my latest cookbook. Sure, I've been busy facilitating community meetings, speaking at various events, and hosting cooking classes. But those things encompass my life. Shouldn't I be able to balance it all? Heavy sigh. I'd like to think -- yes.  I'm going to have to figure out a way to make them all fit together and still work towards my fitness and weight loss goals.

Because of my weight loss success, folks, ask me all the time, "What makes me stay with it?" It's simple, I look in the mirror. A journey of this sorts takes a consistent commitment. Evaluation of self -- onus. Discipline. Accountability. I've come this far by being honest with myself, about my goals, whether or not I'm giving 100 percent. If I find that I'm not giving 100 percent. I call myself out, confront myself. I'm a no non-sense type gal, who doesn't make a lot of excuses. So my latest glimpse in the mirror has me on a new mission. A mission to put all the pieces together.

Mirror mirror I seek balance. Balance so that I can do all the things that I enjoy: blogging, authoring cookbooks, hosting cooking classes, speaking to the community, all while I continue to work on my health and fitness goals.

A look at my transition over the years...

It's more than the physical weight I've lost. It's more about the inner strength and peace I've found.

Walking proud and often





As a morbidly obese woman weighing in at a whooping 388 pounds. The normal everyday things were more like an obstacle course. I could barely walk. Forget about walking and talking at the same time. I avoided walking with folks because I couldn't bear the embarrassment of gasping for air the entire time. My lungs, heart, and limbs just couldn't take it. That's really a sad shame. 

Gone are those days. I park far away, take the stairs, and even take walks for leisure. Walking does the body and mind good. It's a very low impact, inexpensive form of exercise. Even when I just park and walk a couple of downtown blocks it clears my mind. Something about the fresh air and the movement just perks me up.

The other day, even though my body was pretty banged up from boot camp I decided to take a walk outside. I started off sluggish, but once I got going I started feeling much better. More energized. For those who don't exercise I know it doesn't make sense or seem likely. But, endorphines are powerful and so is fresh air.

We often take things like walking a couple of blocks for granted. But, we shouldn't. There are plenty of folks for many different reasons who can't walk. Although it may seem just like a simple every day function -- please don't take it for granted. Exercise your body and mind whenever you get the opportunity. Take the stairs, every time. Park further away because you can.  A power walk with intervals to get your heart pumping, or a leisurely stroll to clear your head.

I walk proud. I walk often. And, I NEVER take one single step for granted.

***Remember: I recently rehabbed a fractured tibia (still kind of rehabbing) so another reason I don't take a single step for granted. Lace up your tennis shoes today!

Stay the course

Over the course of eight years, I've lost 170 pounds. For about four years I was not actively trying to lose weight, but I was able to maintain the 100 pounds I lost. From 2009 to now I've lost about 70 more pounds.  Yesterday, when I wrote "Real Talk" I was merely trying to get across the point that weight loss, especially for folks who are obese can not be tackled in a short span of time. It takes hard work, persistent, and a kick butt attitude. Can it be done? Yes! I'm proof, but please again take your time. There will be obstacles mental, physical, perhaps even spiritual but just stay the course - you'll get there. Coach says these statements to me all the time: "One day at a time," and "This is about who can last the longest."

Surely, I wish I was at my goal weight by now. To look in the mirror sometimes is discouraging. I've worked hard and I'm still considered obese by the BMI and fat to the masses. I try not to dwell on it much because I'm in a much better place: I'm smaller, healthier, and fitter than I was if I would have never started on this journey.  I can't even imagine life if I were still trapped inside that miserable, lonely 388 pounds body. So I stick with it because the alternative, well just isn't an option.

So as you embark on your journey to fitness and health. Start strong, but be realistic about what it really means to be healthy and fit, and what it will take to lose the weight. Start strong, stay the course, end even stronger, and remember "Everything worth having is worth working for."

What's the worst that can happen?

I was talking with my dear friend (who happens to be obese) this morning.  She complained of how tired she was after sleeping 9 1/2 hours last night. 9 1/2 hours! Sometime ago she was diagnosed with Sleep apnea and prescribed a C-PAP machine. She does not like to use the machine because it's a huge nuance. Usually, I listen on as a good friend would (or would they?).

This morning, however, as she complained about how tired she was I couldn't hold it in anymore. I offered my unsolicited advice. Perhaps she was so tired because although she had been in bed, supposedly sleep, her Sleep apnea prevented her from actually sleeping through the night. Hence, the need for the machine. I realize the machine may be a nuance, but not waking up the next morning would be... She has two small children for goodness sake. As a short-term solution, I encouraged her to start using her machine again, but the long-term solution is to reclaim control of her weight and her health. I mentioned that maybe, just maybe she should start exercising. Just a ten minute walk. That's when her complaining really began: she doesn't want to exert that much energy. Huh? Really? Silly me. I see the ability to go outside and walk in the fresh air as a gift. I reminded her, I'm the gal who use to weigh 388 pounds. I'm all to familiar with restlessness nights of sleep because of too much abdomen girth. I too avoided physical activity like the plague when I was morbidly obese. I did not want to walk and God forbid I work up a sweat. Turns out I love to do both now.

My unsolicited raw opinion: Too many of us are sitting around letting our lives pass us by. We won't walk to the mailbox that is 300 ft. We drive to the grocery store that is less than a mile. We eat processed, crappy so-called food because it's convenient. What's worse, we won't even be inconvenienced to get out of the car to get our so-called crappy food. We drive-up and drive-thru. Sadly, most of us don't know how to prepare/cook a meal using fresh, whole ingredients. Most of us don't know how to cut-up a whole chicken We forgot that chickens even have bones. We find it perfectly acceptable to eat our vegetables and fruit from cans. We take a pill for every ailment, when the truth is a little exercise probably would do the trick Our health and well-being is at stake and we're in denial. Or is that we just our too lazy to do anything about it? A healthy lifestyle has a price tag, but so does the crappy, convenient lifestyle.

My forty something year old aunt had a massive heart attack about a month ago. She's obese, eats like crap, and does not exercise. A recipe for disaster. She was hospitalized for several days and even was confined to the ICU for a spell. Heart disease runs in her family.  Her father died of a massive heart attack before the age of 50. You would think that would be reason enough to take better care of herself. She left the hospital with a bag full of meds and a schedule in which she should take them. Of course, the doctors also prescribed a healthier diet and exercise. Popping the pills is the route she has decided to take. Another short-term solution for a much bigger problem. A problem that probably can be resolved with some effort on her part. The way I see it, she's very fortunate to have walked out of the hospital.

In both of the scenarios I've shared with you, the writing is clear. These are people I know and love. For some reason my message is not getting through to them. Maybe, by writing this blog post I can reach a few of you. I plead, I beg of you -- take control of your health. What's the worst that can happen? You might actually enjoy exercise? Eating healthy? You may actually feel better? Improve your health? Lose weight? Live longer? Or actually live?

PE Flashbacks

It happened. I thought I was beyond it, but there I was in my Exercise Technique class having flashbacks. Flashbacks of being the slowest, last, and fattest girl in PE class.

Flashback #1  Unable to easily sit on the ground, which as an morbidly obese person I couldn't do either. So I  had to grab a stability ball to sit on while the rest of the class sat comfortably on the ground in criss-cross applesauce position.

Flashback #2 As we are doing dynamic warm-ups across the length of the room I'm always one of the last to finish.

Flashback #3 When in small groups I tend to be the one in the group that others coddle.


My fitness level is the best it's ever been -- remember, I'm the girl who graduated high school at 300 lbs.?  So where I am today is really good from where I came from. But since I'm rehabbing a fractured Tibia it makes for a difficult time with some exercises. As much as my heart and my mind say go, go, go. My body after seven months is just not quite ready. I'm sure it's the reason I'm not able to perform at a higher level because I tell you -- I so badly want to. Walking around campus and doing normal activities I manage to do just fine, but some exercises I'm still not able to give my all. It's frustrating.  I try not to allow demons in my head, but every once and a while they show up. Yesterday, they showed up and got the best of me.  I only write about what I truly feel and yesterday I felt like the slowest, last, and fattest girl in PE class.

Out and About

I notice that I move around a lot better now that I'm 170+ lbs. lighter. There were so many things I could't do as an obese person. Some of which I didn't even realize I couldn't do. Things that most people wouldn't even give a second thought about. As an obese person it was an ordeal to just carry my purse. I was unable to get my purse on my shoulder and in a comfortable position -- too much girth. Now-a-days, I carry my purse on my shoulder and it fits right nicely against my body like it should. 

I was headed to class recently and  I really wanted to take a to-go mug of coffee, but in the past carrying a mug, purse, and book bag would be a lot of work for me -- too much girth. Just trying to get around was enough hassle. Never mind carrying extra stuff. Anyhow, I decided I didn't want to face the day without the coffee so I brought along the to-go mug. Surpringsly, toting the coffee mug and other items didn't cause me grief. Instead, I was pleased to be out and about moving around with stuff.

Too much

My dear friend who is mother of an eight year old obese daughter called to tell me that she finally has decided to make some changes to their diets by introducing fresh veggies and fruits. Good for her for taking control of her health and her children's health. If her daughter had cancer or diabetes she would take the necessary steps to care for her. So why should preventing obesity be any different?

My friend went on to tell me that she was stocking up on carrots because the little girl really liked carrots and she wanted her to be able to snack on them endlessly. After all, it's only carrots, right? Hmm...Wrong. Bear with me, y'all.  I feel as if too much of ANYTHING is not good for us. I think by allowing her daughter to eat carrots until she's orange is not the right approach either. Sure, carrots are full of nutrients, vitamins and low calorie, but I think allowing her to have the mindset that it's okay to overeat is still in play here.  The healthy approach is to allow her to have some carrots until she is comfortably full. It's the mental - obsessing over food. Take it from someone who's been there, done that -- too much of anything is no good. Everything in moderation. Yes, even carrots.

I am fat, I am not fat - Thank you

About nine years old already deep in a battle with obesity

I've said this many times before I can not lose this weight in silence. Losing 170 + lbs. is no small feat. I've been told by two personal trainers that most people won't start what I finish. I finish because of a great desire, a crazy amount of will that propels me to keep going, but I can't do this without writing. As a child, I always liked to craft stories. I use to read books endlessly as a result I had a wild imagination so I would write wild stories. I LOVE words. I love manipulating them. I love the English language and all of the nuances. So as an adult, I went to college in my late twenties and received a degree in journalism. I found though that I really didn't like journalism writing much there's no room for my voice or creativity.

Anyway, I started writing this blog because I wanted to publicly document my journey, share my story. I never imagined that sharing my story would actually be cathartic for me. In retrospect, perhaps I really started writing because I don't know any other way. Those wild stories I use to write as a child where my brief escape from my childhood and penning my lifetime battle with obesity is my escape now.

I've been obese since I can remember and so losing this weight is not about just losing the weight. I have layers, upon layers of emotional, spiritual damage to repair. I'm learning how to love myself. Truly, love myself. There are no quick fixes for this. This is my life. I'm trying to figure out new ways to handle things without turning to food. I'm trying to create a healthy relationship with food and exercise. When I write to y'all it is raw. I mean what I say, these are my true feelings. So sometimes I may seem a little contradictory, unbalanced -- I am. I am fat. I am not fat. I am thin. I don't want to be thin. I am everything in between. Bear with me, I am trying to finding myself and this is the only way that I know how.

Thank you all for allowing me to document my journey, share my story. I can not do this alone nor do I want to . True, I've never met most of you, but knowing that you're out there encouraging me, offering your kind words and advice gives me the strength to go on. "You're my hero. You inspire me. ...When you share with the rest of us, we all gain a little something too." Your words keep me going on days when I can't find it internally. I'm telling y'all what I'm about to do is big. I am going to turn childhood obesity statistics upside down. Not many people beat childhood obesity once they become adults. It's usually just too late. All of you get to say you helped me. Thank you for helping me. The day we reach the finish line is going to be sweet victory. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!

278.00 – Obesity, Unspecified

I’m ticked off. Outraged. I mean, really? How dare they classify me as obese? I just received an Explanation of Review from my accident claim and they had the nerve to use ICD-9 code 278.00 Obesity – Unspecified as one of the primary codes for my hospitalization.  Meanwhile, the reason I was hospitalized 823.00 Closed Fracture of Upper End Tibia was the last code. Hah.

I realize that I’m still considered overweight, but to come in with a broken leg and be diagnosed as obese is insulting. Apparently, all they could see was my girth. Never mind, my broken leg. Those people have no idea what I’ve gone through to shed the pounds. What I’ve gone through to create a healthy, fit life for myself. Sure, at 388 lbs. I was obese, but no longer. I’m really bothered by this. I feel like placing a call to SW Washington Medical Center and telling them to shove it -- all $44,422.48. Jerks.

So Far

Woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Whoa. I’m still fat! I’ve worked SO hard, shed over 130 lbs., and according to the BMI chart I’m still considered obese. SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of myself for coming so far, but I still have so far to go! Discouraging? Sure. Enough to make me give up? Never. Why? That’s a loaded question but suffice it to say… I love myself and I owe it to myself to live a healthy lifestyle. A lifestyle free from being trapped inside of a body that is dead. So yes, I’m still fat, but not for much longer. Thank you God for giving me the strength, courage, and love for myself to fight this battle. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!