I am fat, I am not fat - Thank you

About nine years old already deep in a battle with obesity

I've said this many times before I can not lose this weight in silence. Losing 170 + lbs. is no small feat. I've been told by two personal trainers that most people won't start what I finish. I finish because of a great desire, a crazy amount of will that propels me to keep going, but I can't do this without writing. As a child, I always liked to craft stories. I use to read books endlessly as a result I had a wild imagination so I would write wild stories. I LOVE words. I love manipulating them. I love the English language and all of the nuances. So as an adult, I went to college in my late twenties and received a degree in journalism. I found though that I really didn't like journalism writing much there's no room for my voice or creativity.

Anyway, I started writing this blog because I wanted to publicly document my journey, share my story. I never imagined that sharing my story would actually be cathartic for me. In retrospect, perhaps I really started writing because I don't know any other way. Those wild stories I use to write as a child where my brief escape from my childhood and penning my lifetime battle with obesity is my escape now.

I've been obese since I can remember and so losing this weight is not about just losing the weight. I have layers, upon layers of emotional, spiritual damage to repair. I'm learning how to love myself. Truly, love myself. There are no quick fixes for this. This is my life. I'm trying to figure out new ways to handle things without turning to food. I'm trying to create a healthy relationship with food and exercise. When I write to y'all it is raw. I mean what I say, these are my true feelings. So sometimes I may seem a little contradictory, unbalanced -- I am. I am fat. I am not fat. I am thin. I don't want to be thin. I am everything in between. Bear with me, I am trying to finding myself and this is the only way that I know how.

Thank you all for allowing me to document my journey, share my story. I can not do this alone nor do I want to . True, I've never met most of you, but knowing that you're out there encouraging me, offering your kind words and advice gives me the strength to go on. "You're my hero. You inspire me. ...When you share with the rest of us, we all gain a little something too." Your words keep me going on days when I can't find it internally. I'm telling y'all what I'm about to do is big. I am going to turn childhood obesity statistics upside down. Not many people beat childhood obesity once they become adults. It's usually just too late. All of you get to say you helped me. Thank you for helping me. The day we reach the finish line is going to be sweet victory. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!

The Underdog

     I’m a little teary eyed as I write. Saturday’s Seahawks vs. Saints game stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I love how the Seahawks kept their composure. How they didn’t give up. Never mind, everyone else had already slated them to lose. They held their heads high and played to win. In an after game interview the coach said they believed they could win. Yes, as crazy as it sounds they believed they could win.

      I have always been a fan of the underdog. The one who the odds are stacked up against. The one that society is betting against. Many of our American sports heroes are underdogs: Rocky, Cinderella Man, and Rudy to name a few. There’s something about the quiet, enduring spirit of the underdog that I admire and can relate to.

      As a product of childhood obesity, the odds are stacked up against me. Statistics are not in my favor. Most overweight children grow up to be overweight adults. In my case, that is mostly true, as I have been carrying the extra weight around for 38 years. But, I have a burning desire to beat the statistics. I am going to turn childhood obesity statistics upside down.  Every time I walk into the gym I realize I am not the favorite and that I am not slated to win. By golly, I have the spirit of the underdog, even with the odds stacked up against me, I believe in myself. I believe I can win.

      So, sure, many folks see the Seahawks victory as just a football game, but to me it was so much more. That game was about guts, courage, resilience, and belief in oneself. That game was about the spirit of humans and what we can do when we set our minds to it.  I can’t quite claim victory yet, but as I near the finish line, I’ll say this again -- I believe I can win. Here’s to the underdog -- never, ever, ever give up.