"You look good"

I'm a very social, outgoing person -- a social butterfly. As a morbidly obese woman my social prowess was stifled. At 388 pounds, I didn't feel so good about myself and as a result I just didn't have much to say out loud. I actually preferred not to be in social settings and shied away from speaking in crowds.

Today, 170 odd pounds lighter, I feel good. Real good. Inside and out. So, I'm always chatting it up, striking up conversation with folks. Anyone willing to listen -- or not, hears my weight loss story. Doesn't matter where I am, I'm talking:  The grocery store, bank, post office -- everywhere. When I speak at local venues and have a captive audience all the more fun.

When I tell folks I use to weigh nearly 400 pounds, I tend to get the same reactions, the same responses "Oh, really. Good for you for losing the weight," "Wow. What an inspiration," and the awkward compliment "You look good." That one always gets me. I'm not really sure what to make of that statement. Do I look good because I look good ? Or do I look good because I lost so much weight? Those are rhetorical questions of course. Perhaps my questioning the compliment is part of the negative inner battle that I often blog about. I guess, it's about time, I take the response, "You look good" at face value.

Walking proud and often





As a morbidly obese woman weighing in at a whooping 388 pounds. The normal everyday things were more like an obstacle course. I could barely walk. Forget about walking and talking at the same time. I avoided walking with folks because I couldn't bear the embarrassment of gasping for air the entire time. My lungs, heart, and limbs just couldn't take it. That's really a sad shame. 

Gone are those days. I park far away, take the stairs, and even take walks for leisure. Walking does the body and mind good. It's a very low impact, inexpensive form of exercise. Even when I just park and walk a couple of downtown blocks it clears my mind. Something about the fresh air and the movement just perks me up.

The other day, even though my body was pretty banged up from boot camp I decided to take a walk outside. I started off sluggish, but once I got going I started feeling much better. More energized. For those who don't exercise I know it doesn't make sense or seem likely. But, endorphines are powerful and so is fresh air.

We often take things like walking a couple of blocks for granted. But, we shouldn't. There are plenty of folks for many different reasons who can't walk. Although it may seem just like a simple every day function -- please don't take it for granted. Exercise your body and mind whenever you get the opportunity. Take the stairs, every time. Park further away because you can.  A power walk with intervals to get your heart pumping, or a leisurely stroll to clear your head.

I walk proud. I walk often. And, I NEVER take one single step for granted.

***Remember: I recently rehabbed a fractured tibia (still kind of rehabbing) so another reason I don't take a single step for granted. Lace up your tennis shoes today!

Reminder break

I can so relate to the lyrics of Pink's song Don't Let Me Get Me. Lately, I've been struggling mightily with myself, "I'm my own worst enemy... I'm a hazard to myself."  I'm really, really disappointed in myself.  I feel like I should be stronger, more toned, more fit, slimmer. Not fat anymore. I'm really struggling with how to get myself to the next level. I've been in this space for a long while.  I really had hoped to be much closer to my "Fit by Forty" goal by now. I want to be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40 this summer. I feel like at the rate I'm going I'll miss the mark. Or will I?

I've been putting together a PowerPoint presentation for my talk at the library this Saturday. Last night, mind full of negative self-talk as  I was adding more content to the presentation, I just started looking at the photos of myself as a morbidly obese woman. Heavy, heavy sigh. What a reminder. Those photos were, and are a reminder of how far I've come. For goodness sake, I've lost 173 pounds! I am stronger, more toned, more fit, slimmer, and happier. So, why do I continue to put so much emphasize on the negative? Why do I beat myself up so much? It's the mental, the inner battle. It's equally if not as taxing as losing the weight.

I vow from this day forward to give myself a break. To silence the demons whenever they start whispering to me  and serve as a reminder to myself about how far I've come -- I'll pull out these photos.

"Not Afraid"

When I look at photos of myself as a morbidly obese woman. I don't really even remember being that person. I don't really know how I became that way. Well, I do. I ate gross, fattening food and no exercise.  What I mean to say, I have no idea how I let it get so out of control. At my heaviest, I weighed a whopping 388 lbs. What I'm sure of,  "I had to go to that place to get to this one." 

America is in trouble. Obesity is an epidemic. There are many contributing factors: crappy inexpensive so-called food, lack of knowledge, lack of exercise. But, I've taken a stand. Today I'm healthier, happier, fitter, and sharing my story in hopes it will help others. I will tell my story to anyone who will listen and those who are not ready to hear it well...

I'm not afraid to publicly share my story. If I can touch and change lives than maybe, just, maybe that's why I went to that place.

From Eminem:

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)        
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

Regret Nothing

Last week, I had the pleasure of attending my daughter's Senior Awards Night and Commencement Ceremony. There were plenty of proud families and loved ones in the audience. The speeches were the typical "Go forth and prosper."

As I sat in the auditorium my heart filled with pride and a great sense of accomplishment. I have raised a beautiful young woman who speaks French and Spanish, plays tennis, volunteers, and knows how to cook, clean, and do laundry. She learned these things under my guidance, but there's a whole scary world awaiting her. I won't always be there to help her figure things out.  She'll have to learn how to manuever on her own. She has her whole life ahead of her -- they (Class of 2011) have their whole lives ahead of them. So much
promise, hope for their futures. There is only so much text books can teach them Only so much their parents can teach them. Some things, most things are learned through trial and error. What will they do with themselves? Will they seize the opportunities?

Of course, the ceremonies also made me reflect on my life and the past 21 years since I graduated from high school. Surely, I regret some of my decisions. I realize the path I've traveled whether I planned it or not was the path that I was suppose to travel. When I graduated from high school I weighed 300 lbs. and eventually over the years I ballooned up to nearly 400 lbs. Do I regret that? Yes and no. I abused myself. I let food become my everything -- it consumed me.  I realize, however, good or bad, being morbidly obese is a part of who I am. I made a very conscience decision though to change. That's the beauty of life - second chances. I no longer want to live my life full of excuses.  I want to seize the opportunities. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to regret nothing. Here's to the Class of 2011 graduates -- go forth and prosper. Seize your opportunities. Regret nothing.

Crippled

I jokingly call myself crippled – which, according to the definition I am. The other day, however, as I drove home from a kick butt workout session with my Personal Trainer, Megan it occurred to me that I was more crippled when I weighed 388 lbs. than I am today with a broken leg. It takes a lot of physical effort to get around on a broken leg. When I first broke my leg there were some mental barriers I had to break through, but they weren’t nearly as stifling as the barriers I faced when I was morbidly obese (MO).

The effort to get to Megan’s studio as a MO person would have been overwhelming. There is a wicked flight of stairs that take you up to the studio and surely as a MO person I would have talked myself out of it. I mean the stairs would have caused labored breathing, sweat, all things that I would rather not have encountered as a MO person. But with a broken leg and shining spirit, I hobble out of my car on crutches to the back entrance of Megan’s studio and she assists me to the freight elevator. Once I’m in the studio I go to work. I perform exercises that some skinny supposedly in shape folks can’t perform. How? Why? My mind is free. My spirit is renewed. I’m no longer a passenger. I drive.

At 388 lbs., I was crippled by excuses. I was crippled with negative self-talk. I was crippled by obesity. No longer, not even a surgically repaired broken leg will keep me from doing what I long to do. I shake and gyrate in Zumba from a chair. I still go to the gym where I do upper body workouts and flirt with hot guys. I train with a personal trainer. I attend social events on crutches. Crippled is a state of mind and I am NOT crippled. I may hobble, wobble, and limp, but I go for it!