Three weeks difference

This actually happened a few weeks ago right before I came down with the flu. A must share…
 
I was having a bad day. A really bad day. The last few days, my mind had been full of the negative self-talk combined with self-doubt. I’d been working out hard for weeks and eating clean as I possibly could. I was really questioning myself, my efforts.  Maybe this is it for me. Maybe this is goal weight and I just need to face it. Maybe there is no Next Level, Fit by Forty.

I lost five pounds the first week I started training with Northwest Personal Training, but then the scale was fluctuating and not necessarily in my favor. I looked in the mirror and wanted to smash it out of pure disgust. Especially, the studio mirrors. My goodness!

On this particular day I really, really didn’t like what I saw. Sorry. I know, I’m supposed to be your positive role model, your real example. I’d be remiss though not to share my true feelings. I’ve said this umpteen times it’s more than a battle of obesity it’s a battle of self. Day in, day out.  

Any of you who have met me, know how dramatic and animated I am. Well, if Kara, (Fitness Director at NWPT) didn’t know this about me -- she knows now. I ran into her outside the studio that day as we both were headed to our cars. Poor Kara, I went on a tirade about how this wasn’t working out. How I didn’t think I could do it anymore. How I’m sick of being the fattest person in the room.  Blah, blah...Kara entertained my crazy and let me get it all out. With a very straight, but warm face, she asked: “How long have you been working out with us?” 

Me: “Three weeks.”

Kara: “Oh, three weeks?”

When she repeated out loud “three weeks” I just started laughing. It sounded so ridiculous. I had been working out consistently and eating clean for three weeks. Three whole weeks. Sometimes I too lose sight of how much it really takes to shed the pounds. More importantly, to be fit, to be healthy.  Three weeks is not enough time to see the type of results I’m looking for. Deep down, I know better than that, but still sometimes I get caught up. I'm no different, in that respect, I want it now.

Kara went on to say, “Chrisetta, most people would give up. You though, you keep coming. You keep trying. We’re glad you’re here, trying.”  She’s absolutely right. Sure, sometimes I let the negative self-talk get the best of me, and I‘m a little unrealistic about where I should be.  The difference is, no matter -- I keep suiting up, I keep trying.

Perception

 I look forward to the day I’m no longer perceived as fat. I’ve already adjusted my mindset and kicked the demons to the curb that use to call me fat. I’ve come to realize that fat is a state of mind. I’ve been there done that with the self-loathing and negative thoughts of myself. Never to return to that mind frame again. Apparently, however, society hasn’t gotten the memo. Their eyes can’t see past my shrinking girth.

The other day when I visited the Orthopedic doctor’s office the nurse brought the extra large, extra wide wheelchair. That thing was ginormous. Do I really look that big? Seriously, I could’ve easily fit into a normal size wheelchair I know this for a fact because that’s what I usually use. But her perception of me was big, jumbo, fat. Humph. Just a couple of months ago I encountered the same type of labeling from the hospital when they used ICD-9 code, 278.00 Obesity as my primary code on my surgical stay for a broken leg.

When will the labeling end? I guess I should not worry about it. I guess it should be enough that I know within myself that I’m no longer fat. I just want to walk into a room and not have a fat label automatically attached to me. Sigh. Surely, once the fat label is gone there’ll be something else. The heck with society’s perception of me – again, I say I’m not fat, I’m beautiful, vibrant, energetic, and healthy. 

Loving myself

I’m hard on myself, really, really hard on myself. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the negative things I say to myself and I’ve decided it’s time I knock it off. I would never allow anyone else to say such terrible things about me or criticize me the way I do. I need to be kinder, gentler, and more loving to myself. This journey is not just about physical transformation. I want to radiate beauty from the inside out. I want to be a peaceful, positive, vibrant, confident, healthy, and fit woman. So…It’s time I rid myself of the demons. It’s time I quit victimizing myself. It’s time I really, really start loving myself. No more negative self talk. I’m not fat. Fat is a state of mind.  It’s time I get out of my own way. I can do anything I set my mind to. It’s time for me to shine like the diamond that I am. Starting here and now.