It's hard

I promise you. You don't want any part of this. Being fat and out of shape that is. If you haven't already -- then don't. Don't come any where near this.
 
Being fat is hard, really hard. Being fat and trying to lose the weight even harder. Being fat, out of shape, trying to lose the weight, and get fit -- brutal.

I've taken many of group exercise classes and I have heard just about every motivational pep talk there is. For some reason though during yesterday's cycling class as my legs felt as if they were going to fall off and I could barely breathe. The instructor's words "Push through," really resonated with me.   "You'll only get stronger if you push through," he said.

Gosh darn it! He's right. If I want to, if anyone wants to get to the next level, the next phase, they'll have to withstand some amount of pain. They'll have to push through. I guess, that's exactly why I'm still here. Pushing through is hard.

Truthfully, I don't want to eat any healthier than I'm already eating. I don't want to say goodbye to my signature homemade chocolate chip cookies or my lazy Sunday morning breakfasts involving thick sliced pepper bacon. And quite frankly, I don't want to workout any harder either. It hurts.

So, folks, when you see an overweight, out of shape person and you think to yourself, "Why don't they just lose weight?" Take it from one of those overweight, out of shape people -- It's hard. It's hard to say goodbye to all the bad habits and embrace the good ones. Despite the negative stigma that comes along with being fat and the health concerns -- losing weight -- is hard. 

Typically, I like to end with something motivating, uplifting. But, I'm afraid there's nothing motivating and uplifting about these truths: Losing weight is hard. Getting fit is equally as hard. Pushing through is the hardest.

The better part of my life

I'm always in a reflective state, but particularly so as 2012 comes to an end. Losing 170 pounds isn't easy and it didn't come without reflection. I blog about it all the time -- taking onus, accepting responsibility for oneself, and making a commitment to yourself.

By now, you have heard some version or another of my story. If not, here’s a synopsis: I’m a product of childhood obesity. At my heaviest, I weighed in at a whopping 388 pounds. To date, with a conscious change to my diet and regular exercise, I’ve lost 170 pounds. Yes, 1-7-0! Ideally, I still would like to lose another 60 pounds to meet my goal weight. That’s a total of 230 pounds. Yeah, I know, those numbers are inconceivable to most. Those numbers are not for the faint-hearted.

By far, battling obesity is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Today, 170 pounds lighter and I'm still considered obese. I started my bid to a healthier lifestyle in the late fall of 2009. Since then I've had many trials, triumphs, victories, and losses. But, battling obesity isn’t just about losing the weight. This is so much more than a physical transformation. It’s about finding myself and learning to love myself. It's about talking down the demons on a regular, "You're fat and always will be. "You can't." Every single day, I’m at war with myself emotionally and mentally, and boy do I the have scars to prove it.

I realize though that for the better part of my life I've been obese. So, I can't magically become healthy and fit with a wave of a wand. It takes work. Hard work. Dedication. Commitment. This is my life. My new life --  I'm creating it everyday. Sure, I'm not exactly where I would like to be, but I'm not where I use to be either. I will never, ever return to that dark miserable place. I find resolve in knowing that. I find victory in the fact that I found the courage to change, to battle obesity. I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self pity. I refuse to remain the same.

Sometimes I encounter road blocks. In fact, I haven't recorded a lose on the scale in months. Some would call this a plateau. I say, it's "Where I am now." I'll keep plugging away one day at a time. Tweaking my diet. Finding new forms of exercise. Silencing those demons. Loving myself. Truly loving myself. Beyond the scale, the mirror. In due time, I'll get there. I'll be there. One thing is for sure, I have never ever given up. Nor will I. There's no race to the finish line because there is no finish line.

I refuse to let the past forty years of my life determine my entire life. I have plenty more living to do. I plan to be a healthy, active beacon of light for others who are looking to make the necessary changes and to live a similar lifestyle. The best is yet to come. The better part of my life awaits me. I'm not into making new year's resolutions, instead lifelong resolutions. I'm claiming 2013 as one of my better years.

Rare sighting

Saturday, I got dressed. Glimpsed in the mirror and actually liked what I saw. A rarity.

Excited. I called my daughter in my room for confirmation and she too agreed. I'm looking more toned and there's noticeably less back fat (with no girdle thingy even).

Somethin' about looking good that makes me feel good. I realize, I put a lot of emphasis on the way I look and perhaps I don't tout the health benefits as much as I should. Believe me, I am grateful that by changing my ways I have increased my odds of living better and longer, reduced the stress on my heart and knees. But coming from a place of morbid obesity and losing 170 odd pounds, it's hard to look in the mirror and still be confronted with fat. I mean, I lost the equivalent weight of an adult male. So to still look in the mirror and be fat... I know, I know. I shouldn't, but I do. Anyway, I'm not even going there right now.

Rather, I'm celebrating. Celebrating health, fitness. Celebrating my hard work and dedication. Celebrating my success. For once, I looked in the mirror and didn't mind so much the way I looked.

There was a rare sighting this weekend. I'm working, however, on changing that to a common day occurrence.

Confident Chick

The fat girl has to try harder. So I did. I was funny, charming, and exuded confidence – nothing more than false bravado. I was always dressed to the nines and dolled up. I managed to hide my insecurities very well under my stylish clothes and make-up. Not even my family or closest friends could see through me.

Being the fat girl meant having fewer options in the guy department. So when a fella paid me any attention I made a big deal out of it. As a fat, insecure girl any compliment from a guy was a sure sign that he was interested in me. Despite how I dressed and kept myself up. I didn’t think much of myself. I was very insecure and I longed for a man to validate me. There were some exceptions, but mostly any joker who pursued me, could. I basically let the guy chose me.

Fast forward: This weekend I was at a gathering and a fella made his move on me. A little surprising because I was not dolled up and plainly dressed. Maybe it was my smile and quick wit that got his attention. Anyhow, over the course of several hours I learned a few surface things about him.  He seemed like a nice enough fella, but when he asked for my number I gave it to him with reluctance. I gave it to him only because I didn’t want to be rude. But, from our brief encounter I knew good and well we had nothing in common and I was not interested.

The fat, insecure girl would have gladly given him her number. No matter if we didn’t have much in common. I would have made myself interested. Sadly, I longed for male attention -- someone to make me feel pretty. I wasted a lot of time, and hung around some serious losers seeking validation.

It’s been a long time coming, but I now realize validation comes from within. My self-transformation and weight loss journey is not about what I’ve lost, but more about what I’ve gained. I’ve gained self-confidence and I understand my worth. I don’t fall over any and every guy who tries to pursue me. I’m the confident chick who shops strictly at Neiman-Marcus.

5 or 50

It's from within

I have the pleasure of sharing my story and speaking with lots and lots of women. When I started my bid to fitness and weight loss I was surprised at how many "normal size" women called me their inspiration. I always thought...She's slim. How could the fat girl be the one to inspire her? It took me a while, but I came to realize it's my spirit, my go-get it attitude. No matter my size, I am always willing to put myself out there -- with words through actions.

I'm just about 60 pounds shy of my goal weight. Yay! The closer, however, I get to my goal. Sadly, the more unsatisfied I seem to become with my looks. I look in the mirror and think, really? It's the internal demons. The negative space. I blog about it all the time because it's very, very important. More important than how much I weigh. It's more important than how much you weigh. Ladies, we have to silence these negative thoughts. We have to embrace who we are beyond our looks. I've learned from you as you've learned from me.  I've come to the conclusion, it doesn't make any difference if you are five pounds or fifty pounds overweight. It's the internal stuff. Ladies, health and wellness starts from within. If you can't love yourself, and find peace within yourself. Than no matter what size you are or how much you weigh you will always struggle with yourself. 

Stop! Stop obsessing over: Your weight, your looks, and every bite you put in your mouth. Stop looking at her, and wishing you had legs like her. Hair like her. I'm betting you she's looking at someone else thinking the same thoughts. Start seeing yourself as beautiful, strong, capable. While you're at it, allow yourself to enjoy a chocolate chip cookie every now and then. Start today!

****
From "Stop The Insanity!"

We are women in wellness.
We are women in health.
We are women in wanting to look and feel better.
We are all sisters in wanting to change.

A couple of weeks ago when I was in my workout rut, to help me refocus I checked out some books from the library. I stumbled across this blast from the past Susan Powter's "Stop The Insanity!" I was surprised that her and I have a similar style and have a lot of the same theories.

The Very Thing

The very thing I questioned my entire life.  The very thing that caused me to feel weak, to feel vulnerable. The very thing that caused me to live with a negative spirit under a dark cloud. The very thing that caused me to be lazy, antisocial. The very thing that caused others to look at me in disgust and with contempt.

I've never been what you consider a "normal" size. I've always been fat. At my heaviest, I weighed a miserable 388 pounds. I spent most of my life questioning why and not doing much about it, other than complaining of course. It wasn't until I was knocked off my axis in 2009 that I really, really began to look at myself. Sure, the physical weight was an issue, but the emotional, spiritual -- the inner stuff was the biggest factor. I know I sound like a broken record, but to battle obesity and win, I believe looking inward is paramount.

I had to cast down the demons. I had to find inner strength.  I had to get in touch with myself in order to break through all the negative stuff that I had going on. The negative stuff that caused me to want to just eat, and eat, and eat. Eating, in hopes that it would somehow erase everything, but truthfully it only exasperated the issue. Negativity begets negativity. And I couldn't seem to find a way out of that negative space.

I'm proud to say, I've turned my negative into a whole lot of positive. The very thing that caused me to question myself, my being has caused me to become a strong, positive spirit today. The very thing that caused others to look at me in contempt is the very thing that causes them to look to me today as their inspiration.  Just as negativity begets negativity. The same is true for positivity. "What you think, you become."

Today, I host healthy cooking classes, speak to the community about obesity, have authored a cookbook promoting healthier home cooked meals, and am a social butterfly. Ha ha. Amazing how the very thing -- my fatness is what makes me the strong, positive spirit I am today.

True Acceptance

Some back fat

170 pounds gone forever. Actually, it's now 173 pounds, but somehow I still look at myself and think...there's a lot of work yet to do. I saw a photo of myself taken at my cookbook signing and was surprised to see some back fat. Surely, after losing 173 pounds one would think the back fat would be gone. Humph, not only is it still very visible -- I'm still fat. That's a harsh reality. I've come so far, but still 60 - 70 pounds to go. I know, I know...I shouldn't say negative things, I shouldn't think negative thoughts. But, as I've mentioned before the inner stuff -- mental stuff is the hardest battle.

Considerably more back fat

The positive spin: I am no longer weighed down by 388 pounds, I have a considerably less amount of back fat, and I no longer shy away from social activities, quite the opposite. At 388 pounds, I wouldn't have left the confines of my home to be at such an event as a cookbook signing. And, certainly at 388 pounds it wouldn't have been my cookbook signing. The positive spin, the internal spin is looking beyond what can be seen on the outside. This is a process of finding myself. Loving myself. Truly accepting myself.

I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been in my life, back fat and all. But, I can't lie to you or myself and say that I don't look at the outside and wish for a trimmer figure. Perhaps these statements are a little contradictory. I am fat. I am not fat --Thank you.  I mentioned before sometimes my thoughts are imbalanced. My blog post are sort of my open diary and you just so happen to be privy to read it. I'm a work in progress in all areas. I don't want to get hung up on the way I look so much, but again I do have some improvements I want to make. I'm striving everyday to be better and seeking true acceptance of myself.

**In the middle of writing this post I had to run off to the dentist. In the waiting area I saw a magazine with this on the cover "Nobody's perfect. But everybody's trying!" 

Sugar on top of sugar

I'm so disgusted. A donut topped with Froot Loops. Who comes up with these gross concoctions? They're probably sitting around in a big fancy board room wearing suits -- "Hmm...I know, let's top sugar with more sugar." "Oh, and let's add some fat to it." They probably even have contest to see who can come up with the wildest creations.

Not sure if I'm more disgusted by the actual donut or the folks creating and promoting this type of sugary crap. I mean, really. Obesity is an epidemic here in America. Is anyone paying attention?  Promoting unhealthy crap like this is really distasteful. Sure, people don't have to buy it -- and they should NOT buy it, but why even create such garbage? Oh yeah, to line their pockets. Not just their pockets, but in turn health insurance, hospitals, you get my drift. Disgusted by sugar on top of sugar.

Better for 2012!

Hello, 2012!  What a heck of a year 2011 was. It started off with me being knocked off my path when I was hit by a car and suffered a fractured Tibia and concluded with my first cookbook "Bringing Cooking Back" being bought by New Seasons Market - what a stark contrast. So many positive things happened for me over the year. Being knocked off my axis in the form of a car was actually a blessing in disguise. I learned and grew a lot in '11 and was presented with wonderful opportunities that allowed me to share my passion and knowledge with others. I am grateful for everything that happened over the course of the year, yes -- even being hit by a car. I made a bold statement in my blog post "Hello 2011… Goodbye 2010" and I fell short of the statement...I'm still fat. Ha ha. Fat, but better.

All I want is to be better. I"m always striving for improvement, in all areas of my life. Often I put so much emphasize on my health, fitness, and weight loss, but at the end of the day that's not what I will be remembered for.Well, maybe I will be, (Jack Lalanne was). My point is I want people to remember my heart. This year, I'll strive to be: More loving. More caring. More forgiving. More peaceful. More supportive. There are plenty of physically beautiful, rich, powerful people around that are soulless. I strive to not be one of those people.

I'm better inside and out than I was last year at this time. Next year, when I reflect I hope to say the same. This is an ongoing process. I am a work in progress. As I embark on 2012, which is full of fantastic opportunities and promise -- I simply want to be better.

Repost: I am fat, I am not fat - Thank you

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I am fat, I am not fat - Thank you

About nine years old already deep in a battle with obesity

I've said this many times before I can not lose this weight in silence. Losing 170 + lbs. is no small feat. I've been told by two personal trainers that most people won't start what I finish. I finish because of a great desire, a crazy amount of will that propels me to keep going, but I can't do this without writing. As a child, I always liked to craft stories. I use to read books endlessly as a result I had a wild imagination so I would write wild stories. I LOVE words. I love manipulating them. I love the English language and all of the nuances. So as an adult, I went to college in my late twenties and received a degree in journalism. I found though that I really didn't like journalism writing much there's no room for my voice or creativity.

Anyway, I started writing this blog because I wanted to publicly document my journey, share my story. I never imagined that sharing my story would actually be cathartic for me. In retrospect, perhaps I really started writing because I don't know any other way. Those wild stories I use to write as a child where my brief escape from my childhood and penning my lifetime battle with obesity is my escape now.

I've been obese since I can remember and so losing this weight is not about just losing the weight. I have layers, upon layers of emotional, spiritual damage to repair. I'm learning how to love myself. Truly, love myself. There are no quick fixes for this. This is my life. I'm trying to figure out new ways to handle things without turning to food. I'm trying to create a healthy relationship with food and exercise. When I write to y'all it is raw. I mean what I say, these are my true feelings. So sometimes I may seem a little contradictory, unbalanced -- I am. I am fat. I am not fat. I am thin. I don't want to be thin. I am everything in between. Bear with me, I am trying to finding myself and this is the only way that I know how.

Thank you all for allowing me to document my journey, share my story. I can not do this alone nor do I want to . True, I've never met most of you, but knowing that you're out there encouraging me, offering your kind words and advice gives me the strength to go on. "You're my hero. You inspire me. ...When you share with the rest of us, we all gain a little something too." Your words keep me going on days when I can't find it internally. I'm telling y'all what I'm about to do is big. I am going to turn childhood obesity statistics upside down. Not many people beat childhood obesity once they become adults. It's usually just too late. All of you get to say you helped me. Thank you for helping me. The day we reach the finish line is going to be sweet victory. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!

Fat for a reason

While talking with my speaking coach and soon to be co-author of my book. She feels the time for me to make my mark (blogging, speaking) is so very timely. With obesity being such a huge health concern and shows like "Biggest Loser" at the forefront of our minds. She feels that my story is so relevant, inspiring, refreshing.

As I reflected on our conversation, the answer to my life long burning question came to me. Aha! If I wouldn't have lived my life as an obese person, struggled with my identity and self-worth.  I wouldn't be able to share my amazing story, reach people, and change lives. There would be no Farewell Fatso!, motivational speaking, and book. In retrospect, all the pain and struggles make me who I am. I can't even imagine my life any other way.  I'm fat for a reason. Aren't you glad I'm fat?

I am fat, I am not fat - Thank you

About nine years old already deep in a battle with obesity

I've said this many times before I can not lose this weight in silence. Losing 170 + lbs. is no small feat. I've been told by two personal trainers that most people won't start what I finish. I finish because of a great desire, a crazy amount of will that propels me to keep going, but I can't do this without writing. As a child, I always liked to craft stories. I use to read books endlessly as a result I had a wild imagination so I would write wild stories. I LOVE words. I love manipulating them. I love the English language and all of the nuances. So as an adult, I went to college in my late twenties and received a degree in journalism. I found though that I really didn't like journalism writing much there's no room for my voice or creativity.

Anyway, I started writing this blog because I wanted to publicly document my journey, share my story. I never imagined that sharing my story would actually be cathartic for me. In retrospect, perhaps I really started writing because I don't know any other way. Those wild stories I use to write as a child where my brief escape from my childhood and penning my lifetime battle with obesity is my escape now.

I've been obese since I can remember and so losing this weight is not about just losing the weight. I have layers, upon layers of emotional, spiritual damage to repair. I'm learning how to love myself. Truly, love myself. There are no quick fixes for this. This is my life. I'm trying to figure out new ways to handle things without turning to food. I'm trying to create a healthy relationship with food and exercise. When I write to y'all it is raw. I mean what I say, these are my true feelings. So sometimes I may seem a little contradictory, unbalanced -- I am. I am fat. I am not fat. I am thin. I don't want to be thin. I am everything in between. Bear with me, I am trying to finding myself and this is the only way that I know how.

Thank you all for allowing me to document my journey, share my story. I can not do this alone nor do I want to . True, I've never met most of you, but knowing that you're out there encouraging me, offering your kind words and advice gives me the strength to go on. "You're my hero. You inspire me. ...When you share with the rest of us, we all gain a little something too." Your words keep me going on days when I can't find it internally. I'm telling y'all what I'm about to do is big. I am going to turn childhood obesity statistics upside down. Not many people beat childhood obesity once they become adults. It's usually just too late. All of you get to say you helped me. Thank you for helping me. The day we reach the finish line is going to be sweet victory. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!

The look, Fat Mack Truck

So last night I had this blog post already written (see below). Today, however, the day moved in a direction that I had not planned so I ended up at the gym at an early hour. When I got to the gym I saw several of my old gym buddies who I haven't seen since before my accident. To my surprise they had a different opinion of me They all mentioned how well I was getting around on my leg and even went so far to say,"You have the look...You are beautiful. We can totally tell you have lost weight. We can really see it in your face and upper body. Your body looks sculpted...." Ha ha. Me sculpted? What an ego boost. I wish I could just constantly remind myself that I'm beautiful no matter what size and I'm not fat because fat is a state of mind. I don't want outside forces to make me waiver how I feel about myself - good or bad. So yeah, it's nice to receive the compliments, but I want the feeling to be internal. Apparently, I'm still a work in progress in this area.

Here's the blog post which was originally titled: "Fat Mack Truck"

I normally try to stay away form negative self-talk, but... Lately, I've been feeling really fat in my mid-section. I'm assuming my lack of movement, barely walking and  hobblin' on crutches for eight weeks kind of caught up with me. Sure, I was working out some, but not at the intensity level at which I was use to. So, my stomach just feels, well like a big mound of jelly. I know, I know I shouldn't say things like that, but that's how I feel. Now, since I'm up and moving around I can start working on my core again because I feel rather disgusting. Ugh.

The first couple of days I walked without crutches my left foot was so painfully tender -- ouch! Since I have spent the last several weeks recovering my body is de-conditioned. My physical therapist says that's quite normal. I did have major surgery after all and have been pretty sedentary. So after normal everyday activities I feel really, really beat up like a MACK truck has run over me  Hence, the title Fat Mack Truck.

Perception

 I look forward to the day I’m no longer perceived as fat. I’ve already adjusted my mindset and kicked the demons to the curb that use to call me fat. I’ve come to realize that fat is a state of mind. I’ve been there done that with the self-loathing and negative thoughts of myself. Never to return to that mind frame again. Apparently, however, society hasn’t gotten the memo. Their eyes can’t see past my shrinking girth.

The other day when I visited the Orthopedic doctor’s office the nurse brought the extra large, extra wide wheelchair. That thing was ginormous. Do I really look that big? Seriously, I could’ve easily fit into a normal size wheelchair I know this for a fact because that’s what I usually use. But her perception of me was big, jumbo, fat. Humph. Just a couple of months ago I encountered the same type of labeling from the hospital when they used ICD-9 code, 278.00 Obesity as my primary code on my surgical stay for a broken leg.

When will the labeling end? I guess I should not worry about it. I guess it should be enough that I know within myself that I’m no longer fat. I just want to walk into a room and not have a fat label automatically attached to me. Sigh. Surely, once the fat label is gone there’ll be something else. The heck with society’s perception of me – again, I say I’m not fat, I’m beautiful, vibrant, energetic, and healthy. 

278.00 – Obesity, Unspecified

I’m ticked off. Outraged. I mean, really? How dare they classify me as obese? I just received an Explanation of Review from my accident claim and they had the nerve to use ICD-9 code 278.00 Obesity – Unspecified as one of the primary codes for my hospitalization.  Meanwhile, the reason I was hospitalized 823.00 Closed Fracture of Upper End Tibia was the last code. Hah.

I realize that I’m still considered overweight, but to come in with a broken leg and be diagnosed as obese is insulting. Apparently, all they could see was my girth. Never mind, my broken leg. Those people have no idea what I’ve gone through to shed the pounds. What I’ve gone through to create a healthy, fit life for myself. Sure, at 388 lbs. I was obese, but no longer. I’m really bothered by this. I feel like placing a call to SW Washington Medical Center and telling them to shove it -- all $44,422.48. Jerks.

Loving myself

I’m hard on myself, really, really hard on myself. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the negative things I say to myself and I’ve decided it’s time I knock it off. I would never allow anyone else to say such terrible things about me or criticize me the way I do. I need to be kinder, gentler, and more loving to myself. This journey is not just about physical transformation. I want to radiate beauty from the inside out. I want to be a peaceful, positive, vibrant, confident, healthy, and fit woman. So…It’s time I rid myself of the demons. It’s time I quit victimizing myself. It’s time I really, really start loving myself. No more negative self talk. I’m not fat. Fat is a state of mind.  It’s time I get out of my own way. I can do anything I set my mind to. It’s time for me to shine like the diamond that I am. Starting here and now.

So Far

Woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Whoa. I’m still fat! I’ve worked SO hard, shed over 130 lbs., and according to the BMI chart I’m still considered obese. SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of myself for coming so far, but I still have so far to go! Discouraging? Sure. Enough to make me give up? Never. Why? That’s a loaded question but suffice it to say… I love myself and I owe it to myself to live a healthy lifestyle. A lifestyle free from being trapped inside of a body that is dead. So yes, I’m still fat, but not for much longer. Thank you God for giving me the strength, courage, and love for myself to fight this battle. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!