Repost: I believe

My journey of self-transformation and weight loss has been an amazing experience. I've shed close to 200 pounds and in turn I have dealt with layers of emotional stuff. The old Chrisetta had a pessimistic attitude and did not truly believe in her abilities.

Over the years, fortunately I've had a cast of supportive folks in my life who have encouraged, supported, and believed in me. Believed in me at my worst. Believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I tell you.  That's a cold, dark place to be in when you don't think much of yourself, you seek outside approval and even with the approval of others you still don't see your value or believe in yourself. It has taken a great deal of time for me to be at peace with myself, believe in myself. Having folks encourage me and tell me they believed in me was very, very  helpful. I am forever grateful to them.

It's been a long, bumpy road, but present day, Chrisetta, does not seek outside approval or validation. Sure, it's nice to have supportive folks rooting me on, but it's more rewarding to know within myself that I can. Chrisetta of today, believes in herself, her abilities and will never give up on herself. I believe.

Common denominator

A few years ago, my world came crashing down around me. For weeks, I decided to do nothing about it, other than take sleeping pills and sleep the days away. When I finally woke up I had to take a real hard look at myself. I noticed that often times when there was a problem area in my life -- I happened to be the common denominator. I came to the realization that maybe it was me that needed to change. And so the work began.

I've said this umpteen times, this is a transformation from the inside out. I couldn't even deal with my weight issue without getting in touch with the inner. I notice lots of people struggle with areas in their lives. Certainly, sometimes it's due to someone else or outside factors, but most times I think it may be the person themselves. People are afraid to evaluate self. Trust me, I know -- it's difficult to own your stuff. I hate to beat a dead horse, but in order to really tackle big issues. In order to really begin a journey of self-transformation it starts with self.  In order to grow and move to the next level, spiritually, emotionally, physically it starts with looking inward. Evaluate. There may be things that you need to work on that are standing in the way of you getting what you want out of life. Might I suggest, you take onus. Claim responsibility for your actions, environment. After all, you are the common denominator. Once you start the inward process the pounds will shed.

Writing this post reminded me of this lovely song by Jill Scott, "One Is The Magic Number"

If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me
And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me
Me 
So many times I define my pride
Through somebody else's eyes (La da da, la da)
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality
Passionately I must begin with me

There's just me...
One is the magic number [x2]

If I add myself unto myself multiplied times
You and yours and you again
There's just me
And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is, there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree,
Use any theorem
There's just me

There's just me...
One is the magic number

Inside Out

My self-transformation and weight loss journey began with a walk. For weeks, prior, I was drowning my sorrows and escaping from my fears by sleeping the days and nights away. But, during the brief waking moments there was a nagging voice within telling me to lace up my tennis shoes and go outside and take a walk. Obeying that nagging voice saved my life and is the reason I'm able to write this blog post today.

In the late fall of 2009 I was in a dark, miserable place. No job, no car, no boyfriend - all these losses happened within six weeks. I felt like I had no reason to go on. I felt like such a failure, loser. I couldn't imagine there was any reason to continue on. There were a number of things that required my attention. From my attitude to my finances. Losing everything forced me or I should say gave me the opportunity to sit still and figure out what was causing me to keep finding myself in dark situations.

The first walk (which by the way took every ounce of strength I had) was only ten minutes, but it opened my eyes and gave me a glimpse of light -- desperately needed light. After I strung together several days of walking I saw more light. I decided that maybe, just maybe I lost my job so that I could take the necessary time I needed to look within. I decided not to squander my gift and so I laced up my tennis shoes in the rain and sometimes in the snow. I used the walks outside to get fresh air, reflect, and get in touch with my inner self. Soon I began enjoying the walks they were cathartic for me and I was getting exercise. After a few months, I had even lost a few pounds.

In retrospect, I believe looking inward is the first step in starting a journey of this magnitude. I suspect (I know this was true for me) many of us who are struggling with weight and especially obesity have a myriad of other issues going on that lead us to food. Like I told the TOPS weight loss group I spoke with last week, I won't come out later and say I was raped or abused. I had a pretty normal childhood it's just that I found comfort, solace in food. Once I sat still with myself I found there were other things that brought me pleasure.  .

I started those walks just to save myself, but I ended up finding the whole me. Wellness and health aren't just about the physical state, quite the contrary, it's holistic. Once I started feeling better about myself, everything else just started coming together.When I started walking, I lost 8 pounds without really trying. The light was shining brighter and I started trying different things, surrounded myself with like-minded people, and became more social.

My self-transformation and weight loss journey has been from the inside out. I feel people should take time to look within and the rest will all come together. Today, I'm blinded by light: 170 pounds lighter, happier, and healthier -- it's a holistic approach. Might I suggest, if you are struggling with your weight, your health, spirituality, maybe it's time you look inward. Really, really look inward. Don't just make a plan, let the plan manifest in you. Inside out.

I believe

My journey of self-transformation, weight loss has been an amazing experience. I've shed hundreds of pounds and in turn I was able to deal with layers of emotional stuff. The old Chrisetta had a pessimistic attitude and did not truly believe in her abilities. Over the years, fortunately I've had a cast of supportive folks in my life who have encouraged, supported, and believed in me. Believed in me at my worst. Believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I tell you, it's a cold, dark place to be in when you don't think much of yourself, you seek outside approval and even with the approval of others you still don't see your value or believe in yourself. It has taken a great deal of time for me to be at peace with myself, believe in myself. Having folks encourage me and tell me they believed in me was very, very  helpful. I am forever grateful to them.

It's been a long, bumpy road, but present day, Chrisetta, does not seek outside approval or validation. Sure, it's nice to have supportive folks rooting me on, but it's more rewarding to know within myself that I can. Chrisetta of today, believes in herself, her abilities and will never give up on herself. I believe.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

My first week of classes in the fitness trainer program are off to a good start. I'm looking forward to learning lots and making tons of new connections. Speaking of... Monday in class, I met a tall, dark, New Yorker. We chatted a little. He was friendly, and from our brief encounter it seemed we had at least a few things in common. He asked for my phone number. We exchanged a few text messages that day, no biggie. Then, yesterday, after class he asked if we could meet and chat. We agreed on a time and place. Well, today, I was at the place, at the time, but he wasn't. I gave him the benefit of doubt and waited for ten minutes. Once the clock struck 25 after I was gone.

The old me would have waited at least a half hour and I probably would have texted or called him to find out his whereabouts. I also would have questioned myself. Why did he stand me up? What's wrong with me? Oh, the thoughts that would have filled my insecure, unsure mind. But, I'm so happy and proud to say those types of behaviors are long behind me. There is nothing wrong with me. The issue here is that he didn't have the decency to text me to say he was unable to make it. I should mention I have no idea if he was trying to hit on me. Perhaps he was just wanting to meet as classmates, however the old me would've automatically assumed he wanted more. And whether he was hopeful to date me or not, the fact still remains he did not show up and that's plain rude.

Is it that big of a deal? Should I really take the time to blog about it? Yes, because this ladies and gentleman is about me and my behavior. Not his. It's about the way that I reacted to the situation and how I've grown as a person. The old me would have placed all the value in some guy I barely knew. Seeking, searching, approval and attention from any outside source to validate me. No longer. I value my time. I value myself. It's been a long time coming -- the process of self-love and worth. It's not just tied to any one incident, certainly not this incident, but instead a multitude of instances, situations, and lots of lots self-reflection. I truly, madly, deeply love myself. I'm the girl who shops at Neiman Marcus.

"Free Your Mind"

Jeannine in the middle

At the time, I started taking Zumba classes I weighed in about 290 lbs. and was very out of shape. Not only was I physically out of shape but this was at the beginning of my self-transformation journey and so my mind was still full of negative thoughts and ideas.

One day while I was waiting with other ladies for Zumba class to start -- about the second week of taking the class (three tmes a week) I began chit chatting with two of the ladies who were regulars. One of them seemed to have such a cheery disposition while the other lady just kind of stared at me - it seemed like in disgust. The cheery disposition woman, Dotsy, Hawaiian descent - tall, curvy. The other lady was a white, blue-eyed, thin woman. Anyhow, since I had become a die hard Zumba fan I started to be around these women quite a bit. Just so happens that on another day I was joking and talking with them. Full of sass -- I said something like, soon I'll be tiny like her (white, blue-eyed, thin woman) and be able to expose my midriff too. She (blue-eyed, thin woman) said "No I want to be curvy like you." Huh? Really? So this wrecked my theory. I thought, Jeannine, was totally grossed out by me, by my fatness. Heck, my blackness. I had even deemed her as a stuck up little white woman. Ha ha.

Over time, I became even more friendly with the ladies and besides gyrating and shaking together we would go to coffee, lunch, etc. In talking to Jeannine more I found out that she is not white, not stuck up, she looks at me with great admiration (even called me her fitness hero), and thinks I'm beautiful. Wow! Talking about reading someone wrong.

Jeannine and I have become dear friends. She is a huge supporter of my blog -- supporter of me. She has come to my Stella & Dot jewelry party, Healthy Cooking class, and when I fractured my leg she took me to my first physical therapy appointment. Her sister passed away a few months ago she called me because she wanted me to go shopping with her. She said that I would boost her spirits like no one else could. We shopped, laughed, and enjoyed lunch together that day.

Rollin' in Tangerine Dream

I'm so glad the universe brought us together. And, more importantly thank goodness I let go of my negativity and opened up my heart to receive this gift, this beautiful friendship. Jeannine is a fit, colorful woman full of life and wisdom. I'm amazed at her great big heart - she doesn't kill ants instead she moves them back outside. I love you, Jeannine Adelina Grandjean!

I'm singing the EnVogue song from the early 90's

 "Free your mind and the rest will follow

Be color blind, don't be so shallow..."

**I only used race to show how narrow minded I was - not prejudice. Quite the opposite, but...you get where I'm going I hope.