Just ask and you shall receive

I'm sure I'm stating the obvious, but beyond my pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. I also am dealing with normal everyday life: Single mother raising a teenage daughter who graduates from high school in two weeks, juggling finances, household chores, and of course in the midst of all this rehabbing a fractured leg while trying to stay focused on my nutrition and stay active. It makes sense every now and then my system crashes. So last week after discovering "I'm NOT what I use to be" I decided to take some time to regroup, refresh, renew. Well, it turns out I spent most of the time self destructing: Sleeping too much, eating too much, and being highly self-critical. It wasn't until yesterday when I finally decided - enough.

One of the things that has changed about me during this transition to a healthier lifestyle is my snap back time. If I  encounter a bump in the road, I don't sulk long and I'm not afraid to seek help if I'm feeling vulnerable. I recently read an article that discussed the importance of weight loss support groups - that's one of the reasons groups like Weight Watchers are so effective and popular - the support system. Some folks like the accountability, receiving advice, and praise.

So yesterday, a week into my state of funk I knew I was at an all time low. Normally, I can self-motivate. I mean, who better to pump me up than me? Well, it wasn't working. My system had crashed and I needed to reboot. Instead, of continuing to eat, sulk, eat. I called the help desk and got my assistant coach, Steve (Personal Trainer) on the line for some much needed support. I met Steve at 24 Hour Fitness several months ago and he instantly started helping me with nutrition, exercise tips, and he's one heck of a motivator. One of the things I like about him is he's non-judgmental. I can tell him exactly how I feel -- and boy do I tell him. He never looks down on me (He seems to understand a big girl's plight). He turns my negativity around and pushes me in the right direction. Yesterday was no different he reminded me of all that I've accomplished and gave me a gentle push.What stands out most from our conversation was him saying " It's really is a battle of you versus you." By golly, he's right I'm in control of my own destiny. That's exactly why I called him. The old me would've stayed in the self-destructive state and not have asked for help. The new me recognizes I can't do this alone nor do I have to. I have a team of supportive, encouraging people who are willing to help me. Just ask and you shall receive.

Recovery journal

Day 101: It went DOWN! 10 minutes on the treadmill @ 2.1 mph. 20 minutes on recumbent bike ranging 65-75 rpm, and the highlight of it all - (4) consecutive 45 second planks with three personal trainers spotting me, rooting me on, and making sure my form was good . The last plank was especially for my assistant coach I had to show him how STRONG I really am.

I am fat, I am not fat - Thank you

About nine years old already deep in a battle with obesity

I've said this many times before I can not lose this weight in silence. Losing 170 + lbs. is no small feat. I've been told by two personal trainers that most people won't start what I finish. I finish because of a great desire, a crazy amount of will that propels me to keep going, but I can't do this without writing. As a child, I always liked to craft stories. I use to read books endlessly as a result I had a wild imagination so I would write wild stories. I LOVE words. I love manipulating them. I love the English language and all of the nuances. So as an adult, I went to college in my late twenties and received a degree in journalism. I found though that I really didn't like journalism writing much there's no room for my voice or creativity.

Anyway, I started writing this blog because I wanted to publicly document my journey, share my story. I never imagined that sharing my story would actually be cathartic for me. In retrospect, perhaps I really started writing because I don't know any other way. Those wild stories I use to write as a child where my brief escape from my childhood and penning my lifetime battle with obesity is my escape now.

I've been obese since I can remember and so losing this weight is not about just losing the weight. I have layers, upon layers of emotional, spiritual damage to repair. I'm learning how to love myself. Truly, love myself. There are no quick fixes for this. This is my life. I'm trying to figure out new ways to handle things without turning to food. I'm trying to create a healthy relationship with food and exercise. When I write to y'all it is raw. I mean what I say, these are my true feelings. So sometimes I may seem a little contradictory, unbalanced -- I am. I am fat. I am not fat. I am thin. I don't want to be thin. I am everything in between. Bear with me, I am trying to finding myself and this is the only way that I know how.

Thank you all for allowing me to document my journey, share my story. I can not do this alone nor do I want to . True, I've never met most of you, but knowing that you're out there encouraging me, offering your kind words and advice gives me the strength to go on. "You're my hero. You inspire me. ...When you share with the rest of us, we all gain a little something too." Your words keep me going on days when I can't find it internally. I'm telling y'all what I'm about to do is big. I am going to turn childhood obesity statistics upside down. Not many people beat childhood obesity once they become adults. It's usually just too late. All of you get to say you helped me. Thank you for helping me. The day we reach the finish line is going to be sweet victory. For once and for all, Farewell Fatso!

Am I *Thin Yet?

Now

This is taking way too long. I feel antsy. It's like one of those long, road trips I use to take as a child and had no real sense of time. I'd be in the backseat of the car, asking "Are we there yet? When will we be there?" I mean, really when will I get there? When will I look in the mirror and see the strong, fit body I desire? I know, I know. It may be that I never get there and I should learn to appreciate myself for what I am  currently - believe me - I expect everyone else to. It's just that when you work as hard as I do at this it becomes overwhelming. I mean, day in, day out I'm battling obesity and let me tell you it's one stubborn opponent.  

388 lbs.

I take photos all the time just because I like to document my weight loss. Anyhow,  this weekend I took a photo (See "Now" photo) and wow! It confirmed what I've been feeling - my midsection needs some serious work. Then, this morning I  weighed myself to find numbers that indicate I weigh as much as a newborn elephant. Geez, I want out of this body and I want out now. I'm growing more and more impatient. And the closer I get to my goal the harder it becomes. Enough ranting time to tighten my seat belt.

*Thin - I only used the word in the title because it flowed better. What I desire is to be stronger, fitter, and weigh less than, well a newborn elephant. 

Just breathe

One of the things I use to treat myself to before the accident -Yoga classes twice a week. I learned quickly the beauty of Yoga. It's about mind, body, spirit - balance. In our everyday lives we are so busy running around...When do we ever sit still with ourselves and just breathe? Stretch? Focus? For me hardly never. That's why after my first few Yoga classes, I decided to make Yoga a MUST.

Yoga showed me how important breathing is. Really, deep breathing -- opening up your lungs. Breathing is fundamental, precious. Think about it. Ahh...and stretching. Stretching is not only good for the body, but the mind. Finding yourself in the positions is about discipline. Probably more about discipline. I remember, the first time I ever found Downward Facing Dog, truly found it. It was beautiful! Oh and when I found Warrior - oh wow!

This morning, I was feeling a little off balance. So I decided before I set off to start the hustle and bustle of the day, I would take sometime to practice some of the Yoga techniques I learned in class. I sat still, breathing, stretching, focusing.  I even made an attempt to do a Sun Salutation (A little challenging with the leg injury) - a very simple, yet effective pose.

Yoga brings me to a peaceful state. Where I feel calm and at ease. It forces me to take time to sit still with myself and just breathe.